Depression
Depression can feel like a glass wall between you and everyone else. You’re in the room, maybe even laughing along but from a distance, more spectator than participant. Some days everything feels numb, on others, the smallest thing – a dropped glass, a missed call – is enough to bring tears you can’t explain. Energy drains away. Making dinner can involve so many steps that going to bed seems easier. Things you used to love start to feel like chores and it can get hard to remember what you even like.
Often there’s shame on top of it: about what isn’t getting done, about snapping at people you care about, about not being able to just pull yourself together. And there’s the body, heaviness, aches, a weight in the chest that stays even on the better days.
Sadness and grief are part of being alive. Depression can feel different, as though the capacity to feel much of anything has narrowed, the good along with the bad.
When depression has a history
Sometimes depression follows a loss or a long stretch of carrying too much alone. Sometimes it has older roots.
When feelings like anger, grief or longing had nowhere to go, turning everything down might have been a way to get through something overwhelming. A system that learned to go quiet can keep doing so long after the circumstances have changed.
Understanding that history can make room for a different relationship with depression, one that begins with curiosity rather than blame.
How we work with it
I don’t try to talk anyone out of depression. We go at a pace that fits, starting with what’s here: the heaviness in the body, the parts of you that have shut down and what might have led them there. Sometimes what’s underneath – anger, grief, a wish that was never met – has been waiting a long time for room.
Much of the work also happens between us. Depression can leave people feeling unseen or like a burden. Being with someone who isn’t put off by the flatness and who doesn’t need you to perform being okay can itself begin to shift something.
Along the way, we pay attention to small signs of life, a flicker of interest, a bit of irritation, a laugh because that’s often where things start to move again.
If you’re having thoughts of not wanting to be here
Depression can bring thoughts that others would be better off without you or a wish for it all to stop. If you’re having thoughts of suicide or wishing you weren’t here, you can call or text 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline. If you’re in immediate danger, call 911 or go to your nearest emergency room.
You don’t need to be sure it’s an emergency to reach out for support.